by Dale Shumaker
How to Click with People by Rick Kirschner teaches communications for the 21st Century mind... our ways of thinking, and styles of communication. Clicking starts with resonating. With some the vibes just line up. When we meet, the first thing we consider is are we blending... naturally copying the other person. We notice it in our gestures, stories, body language, space, rate of speech, tone and volume. When we see similarities, we begin to blend.
How do we become great at clicking?
Curiosity and appreciation of differences stir blending, and click-ability grows. Clean up your past and keep in the present. Treat everyone equally. People are drawn to a person who reflects fairness. Be attentive to what's important to the person, such as family, hobbies, culture, work. Exude personal warmth by welcoming people into your space, note their space preferences. Look at people and let them see warmth in your eyes, your voice. Hold the other person at the center of attention. Let them know that you care about them and why, and show that in your relationships with warmth.
Listen before you talk. Back track and repeat what they shared, ask the right questions. Dumb questions assume too much, ask too little, give advice too soon. Seek relevancy of a person's thoughts. Ask why something is important to the person, and reason for sharing it. Even if you know the answer, ask, and let them tell you.
Observe the personality style of the person and match it. Four major types of people include action-based people...they talk about doing; accuracy-based people... they relate specifics; approval-based people.. caring and consideration is part of their tone; appreciation-based people... it's about their value. Match the style and you will click.
Kirschner goes on to explain how we click with people of different motivations...he reveals six kinds of motivations which include values, rewards, challenge, esteem, purpose and feelings.
One area of most current relevance is how to click when using the phone, email, social media. When on the phone make sure it is the right timing, use the person's name, match voice volume, talking speed, speaking rhythm, and energy. When using email, remember that everyone gets a lot of them. And because it's so easy to respond quickly, to take care of it, we may respond in haste, not thinking through what we say. Also, a weakness of email is tone, voice texture, facial expressions are not evident which hinders expressing true meaning. On email, be polite, use the subject line, keep it as brief as possible, frame your message(clear and concise information), put out flames, never send to a group without permission and when you do keep email addresses private. Watch the funny stuff... some attempts at humor can easily backfire on email.
On to social media, some ways to increase chances of connecting include: ask for recommendations, ask for a referral, recommend someone else, make a referral, make a connections. Keep in mind these five rules for networking on social media: Don't spam your network, don't be a stranger, you get out what you put in, instead of asking for something offer something, take it slow.
Look for the emotional click signals. When someone shows appreciation, offers an opportunity, or gives us some much needed attention, we know she likes us and we generally return the favor. We click with people we find attractive, charismatic people, those who we treat with respect, with people we like. Send signals of affinity (I like you) by leading with similarities, treating a person with respect, letting the other person know you like them, being charming naturally, and holding good eye contact. We size people up by comparing them to people we already know. People respond to authority, that's having confidence in yourself and ideas.
When we know we are clicking with someone then is the time to share your ideas. Keep it short and simple, put the most important information upfront, be specific, don't tell them everything, focus on goals(not process), choose familiar words. Use examples and back what you say with numbers. When you make your point, then point forward by focusing attention on what to do and why to do it. Repetition with conviction empowers your idea. People don't get it when they hear it once. But hearing it again, but in different ways, enforces the clicking process.
More on how to click with people, overcoming stumbling blocks, group click, and to sharpen up doing what you do to click, click to Rick Kirschner's website, the art of change.
In Ephesians 4, The Apostle Paul outlines principles for creating powerful relationships. When these are applied to how we do all things, we see powerful results. So powerful that we see it is the very Power of God at work.
2. "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love." Some things about others irritate us. When we show tolerance to the quirky behavior of others, it strengthens us as a unit.
3. "Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace." Jesus also emphasized that the peace makers will be recognized as God's Children. Our true relationship with God is revealed by this characteristic. People who can forge peace are moved up to positions of leadership.
15. "We will speak the truth in love." This relates to being gentle and humble in how we say things.
25. "So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth." It is popular to put a spin on what we say, to divert people from the truth. To speak to deceive is a greatly disliked by God. "You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers." (Psalm 5:6) We are not to be misleading, but we are to be genuine and honest. 26. “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil." When we lose control of speaking kindly, we can do great damage. This principle is critically important to click with anyone, and foster strong relationships.
29. "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." In some environments, abusive, coarse language is acceptable and even admired. It's ultimate impact is destruction of relationships and the diminishes the power of the group. The most life changing practice is to encourage everyone, everywhere, all the time. This builds strength and productive results... while increasing a spirit of unity, team identity.
31."Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."
So The Apostle Paul concludes his comments to remind us that having bitterness in our attitudes, rage, anger and harsh words, telling lies about others and spreading rumors, brings destruction. It can ruin our work relationships, friendships, home, the community where it happens...in the office, small business, or at the home.
If you do these three things, you will have harmony, power, productive relationships... be kind, be tenderhearted in all circumstances, and forgive people when they do error.
Follow this and you will not only click and find favor with people, you will build strong teams and partnerships that will make your efforts succeed. Our Power rests within our unity, the strength of the bond between us. When it's cemented in Spirit, we are mighty in our efforts.